Why Going To The Discount Super Center This Friday Was A Death Sentence:
1. Everyone over the age of 70 driving through the parking lot had no desire to yield the right of way to people already in motion. I heard at least five horns honk as Aunt Ethel sat in oncoming traffic for four minutes with her signal light on for a spot closest to the entrance. I was directly behind Aunt Ethel.
2. My mother calling me as I went into the store and me answering it. When she realized I was at the store, my shopping list of ten things quickly turned into twenty. The plan for an in-and-out visit had turned into an hour-long treasure hunt for earplugs, hemorrhoid cream, Woollite and orange Circus Peanuts.
3. Everyone over the age of 70 coming out of an aisle into “oncoming traffic” had no desire to yield the right of way to me when I was already in motion. My cart was run into at least five times between the Ensure and the Bran Flakes.
4. I watched helplessly as a frazzled mother threatened to give away her two daughters after the youngest decided to paint her sister’s face with a bottle of Wet ‘n Wild nail polish in the shade “Runaway Red”. How ironic.
5. A group of teenage girls created a Hiroshima-sized cloud in the perfume department trying to find the perfect scent for tonight’s school dance. When I was leaving, they had narrowed their choice down to Hillary Duff’s “With Love” or Britney Spears’ “Curious” glimmer spritz. What ever happened to Love’s Baby Soft? The atomic cloud gave me a headache from hell.
6. “Clean Up In Aisle 7” was heard just as much as “Cash or Credit?” I believe it was a three-year old boy named Danny who was mostly responsible. This was determined after I continuously heard the father exclaim, “Danny…STOP! Oooh noooo.” That cry was immediately followed by breaking glass then the loud speaker saying, “Ed, wet spill, aisle 7.”
7. The odd-looking middle-aged man who seemed to be in every aisle I was in, including feminine hygiene and curtains. He was smiling sheepishly at me whenever I leaned over my cart. He creeped me out. I felt the urge to offer him some fave beans and a nice Chianti (slurp slurp).
8. The store was out of bacon & horseradish dip, but had double the amount of Ruffles chips. I hate that.
9. For the second straight week, there was no frozen Stouffer’s macaroni and cheese. This will infuriate my daughter. She will want to picket the store beginning Monday.
10. Eight words: out of alignment shopping cart with shaking wheels!